


Casual Encounters

by Banterwitch



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Coming Out, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Family Issues, Family Reconciliation, Fluff, M/M, PDA, Sexual Tension, Smoking, Thanksgiving, Wet & Messy, and there was only one bed, awkward shananigans, cake and pie throwing, closeted queerness, maybe kind of a kink going on there, mild depression references, minimal angst!, non-explitic sexual references, overbearing father, queerbaiting your dad as a prank
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:02:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27996471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banterwitch/pseuds/Banterwitch
Summary: Its Thanksgiving. Want to skip that long insulting conversation about how you're still single? Well, look no further!I am a 26 year old felon with no high school degree and a bedsit full of robotic body parts. I can play anywhere between the ages of 20 and 29 depending on how much hair product I use. Im a freelance technician and work late nights at a bar fixing sound equipment for terrible musicians. If you'd like to have me as your strictly platonic date for Thanksgiving, but have me pretend to be in a very long or serious relationship with you, to torment your family, I'm game.John finds the perfect prank to pull on his dad for Thanksgiving.
Relationships: John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 42
Kudos: 88
Collections: DirkJohn Big Bang 2020





	1. A diner in Texas

John seats himself eagerly in his booth. The old diner on the edge of town seemed pleasant so far. So he orders a milkshake for himself as he's not sure what his date would like. Though he supposes he could just order a plain coffee if he gets approached again before the guy gets here. Coffee is pretty universal. Even if he doesn't care for it, it's still a nice gesture.

He hadn't received any info about what this man would look like, but John had told him he'd be wearing a Ghostbusters shirt and glasses, so hopefully that would be enough.

 _“I'm sure I'll be able to spot the only person there over the age of twelve wearing a ghostbusters shirt, I'll be fine,”_ the guy had assured him. Jokes on him, none of the kids here were even wearing ghostbusters on their shirts at all!

John was just considering his caffeinated ‘peace offering’, and the logistics of swapping the sugar and salt labels for a friendly prank to break the ice. That was why they were here after all, and he wanted to make a good impression off the bat. All thoughts are abandoned when the door opens and John's heart leaps at the sight of a man wearing dark, shabby clothes, striding into the diner. John scoops him out tail to tip; scuffed leather boots, tight denim pants with rips and worn patches all over, a thick leather belt with a heavy buckle that he tucked a thumb into--oh! fingerless, leather biking gloves as well--one of those tank tops with arm holes open all the way down to the waist, and a bizarre pair of shades with tall pointy tips that obscure any proper glimpse of this man's face. And finally, dirty blonde hair, spiked and styled to defy gravity. He looks like a tough but very strange, stony-faced asshole. 

John's immediate thought is, _God I hope that's him_. 

The guy shows no indication of seeing or recognising John, or of having any purpose at all, as he passes the rows of booths. John holds his breath as he nears. He doesn't slow down or pause as he approaches John's booth, and it's not until he smoothly glides onto the seat across that John beams with victory.

"Hi! You're _Die Stri_ , yeah?"

"Call me Dirk." The guy drawls, offering a leather-clad hand which John shakes enthusiastically. He desperately wants to know if this look is part of the plan, or if he genuinely dresses like this. He can't believe _anyone_ dresses like this. But then, it's not like John gets out much.

"Why? Is that your name?" John blurts out "I'm John! But you already knew that."

"It's not my full name but yes, Dirk is what I go by. I know you probably want to make sure I'm not a murderer or something, but I'm really not comfortable sharing personal details with strangers myself, so--"

"That's fine!" John waves away the thought, abruptly. "You wanna order? I was gonna get you a coffee or something while I waited--Oh! Also I was going to swap the salt and sugar but didn't get the chance, so you're safe. For now!" 

"Coffee sounds good. What are you having?" 

"Milkshake! Um... It's one of their combo flavours. I got the _Killer Queen._ "

"Cool. Do I wait here or go over?" 

"They should come over--uh--I said I was expecting someone so..." 

"Alright."

They sit for a moment in an awkward silence, John realising that without the sugar/salt bit, he isn't sure how to start a conversation with a stranger he's just met off craigslist. 

"Are you gonna take off your shades?" He blurts out. 

"Nope. Shades don't come off." Dirk says, curtly. 

The more weird this guy seems, the more John knows that this is _definitely_ the guy he wants to bring home to meet his dad. 

"So..." Dirk starts, taking the initiative, "what's your plan exactly." 

John takes a slurp of his milkshake. 

"Well, it's like I said. I need a date for Thanksgiving.”

"Yeah, but fill me in. What's the context here?" 

John takes a good, deep breath, and lays his hands on the table to prepare himself for showcasing his situation. 

"Well you see, my dad is kind of a master at pranking, and--" 

At that moment they're interrupted by the cheery server, who offers them menus. 

"Just a coffee, thanks. Black." 

"Oh, could I get a slice of that pie just over there? But yeah, apart from that I'm good," the server says they'll be right back and John turns back to Dirk, "So yeah, my dad is like, this master prankster. Most of my life he's kind of involved me in it, playing some minor jokes on me in good fun, but I think he took it pretty easy on me. Mostly, he was teaching me, training me, and since I've left home he hasn't really tried to prank me. Sure, he's sent me exploding letters and parcels filled with shaving cream, but it's all the same mild stuff when _I know_ what he's really capable of. And honestly? I think he's testing me. He's waiting for me to get one over on him. To pull out the stops and come at him with some epic escapade to really put his face in it! You know?"

Dirk stares incredulously at John, a slight break in his straight face seeming baffled by the question. 

"I have absolutely no fucking idea what you're talking about. That might be the strangest backstory I've ever heard from a real life person. But please continue, I'm intrigued as fuck." John nods.

"So anyway, I moved out when I went to college and--" 

The server returns with Dirk's coffee and John's pie, which he's happy to find is fruit based and not cream. He points this out to Dirk. 

"Yeah that would have been some poetic fuckery," Dirk muses, "Now, John. Am I going to go to use the sugar and find you really have swapped it?" 

"No! I told you, I--" 

"I dunno, could have been a double bluff. But jokes on you, John."

Dirk reaches over the shakers and grabs a few satchels of artificial sweetener, depositing them into his cup. 

"Aww. I always forget about the sweet-n-lo," John sighs, snapping his fingers in mock disappointment. He grins at his date. Despite the guy’s closed-off demeanor, John can't help but warm up to him. 

"Anyway, every year he asks if I'm seeing someone. Every year. “ _if there's someone special in your life Son, you're welcome to bring them here for the holidays_ ,” and frankly it just feels patronising. Even if I did have someone like that, I kind of don't want to bring them home now! It's like he's desperate for me to be “happy” and “settled”, blegh!"

John can tell that Dirk is definitely looking at him again, but he can't read anything about his emotions through those sunglasses of his, so he doesn't bother trying. He takes a few mouthfuls of the blueberry pie and savours the sweet pastry for a moment before continuing. 

"So, seeing your post just made me go... Holy shit. This is brilliant! It's perfect, and it's so obvious but I don't think I would have thought of it otherwise, and I wouldn’t have thought I’d find someone willing to go through with it either! So yeah, if you're cool with it?"

"Sure." Dirk nods, absent-mindedly stirring his coffee. "Glad to help. Just as long as we're clear I'm not actually going to sleep with you or anything."

"Oh, what? No, haha!" John properly laughs, spewing bits of blueberry onto his chin. "No, I'm straight!" 

"Hmm. Okay." Dirk responds coolly. "So is that part of the prank? Pretending to be gay? Coz, I dunno. Sounds kinda fucked up to me."

John's face falls and he stares embarrassed at the guy in front of him. Oh god, is he upset? Offended? He realises that Dirk is probably, definitely gay by the sting in his voice. But that's fine. For John, it might make things easier having one of them know how dude relationships work if they're gonna be faking it. But if Dirk isn't OK with that... 

"Oh, no, I-- that wasn't the plan at all. I didn't even really think of it like that. And my dad, he's not gonna be all homophobic, I swear! He's a really accepting guy! He's like, too accepting... Like he's so overbearing about every little thing I do. I guess I thought it would be funny, to bring home a guy who’s a mess--No offense! That's just what it said in your ad, right! But it's not coz you're a guy, or because of the gay thing, and I'm sorry if that’s how it--"

John has definitely been rambling, getting more and more anxious at the lack of change in Dirk's face. For a moment, John's convinced he's screwed it up. That he's pissed off this guy, who was cool and brilliant enough to drop the prank of a lifetime into his lap. And, frankly, is wasting his time on a guy like John who just wanted to use him to annoy his dad. 

"I mean, I guess it's kind of funny." Dirk says, frankly, casually sipping his drink. His biting tone has disappeared and John stares blankly, wondering if he'd misread him before. "One day your son comes home with this dude like, ‘Hey dad guess who I'm fucking?’ I'm definitely down to piss off some middle class, suburban boomers."

John's heart pounds in his ears as he eyes Dirk, chuckling lightly, face burning with residual embarrassment. 

"I'd take the opportunity to dress like a slut but it'll be freezing in fucking _Washington_. Might pick up some obnoxious sweaters before we go." 

"Dude," John leans forward, grinning conspiringly, "We should get matching sweaters." 

"Fuck. I love it."

Dirk whips out his phone, announcing that he's searching for gay holiday sweaters immediately. John finishes his pie and the last of the milkshake, feeling the panic in his chest settle. Dirk seems like a cool guy, he thinks. This is gonna go well. 

"What about you, why did you advertise yourself to do all this anyway?" 

Dirk shrugs, not looking away from the phone as he casually scrolls. John watches the gallery of gaudy sweaters reflected in his shades. 

"Got nothing better to do."

"What, for Thanksgiving?"

"Yeah, or in general. Fuck the holidays. But I miss the big dinners, you know? It's kinda depressing, going to a steak house by yourself. Not that I wasn't too proud to do that a few times but I figured-" He lowers his phone in contemplation. "-might be nice. To do the whole thing, and also piss off some random family whilst doing it. Sounds like a good time. Which reminds me," Dirk abandons his phone, and leans in intently, "Tell me about this Thanksgiving meal we're gonna have."

John grimaces, almost reluctant to admit, "As well as a master prankster, my dad is also... a master cook," He huffs an exasperated sigh, "He mostly bakes, and I can't stand it, but he goes full out for the holidays. Like, seriously overboard. There will be _so_ much food, Dirk. It'll be ridiculous." 

Dirk’s face breaks into the first obvious display of human emotion John has seen in the twenty minutes they've been talking. His mouth splits open in a gasp of astonishment, moving swiftly into excitement, threatening a smile but not quite reaching it. He squeezes his hands into fists and punches the air triumphantly. 

"Holy shit yesssss, I can't wait."

John beams contentedly across the table. If this guy has been alone for so long, then maybe John can help him have a good Thanksgiving this year. There's a hint of uncertainty in John's voice when he asks, 

"So, you'll be my fake boyfriend?"

There’s a pause before Dirk holds out a leather-clad hand once again, the whisper of a smirk on his lips, observing John approvingly. John clasps his hand, sealing the deal. 

"For a proper fucking Turkey dinner? Absolutely. Now, we should probably share IDs."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to Kleckoegg for beta reading :'') (her art will be featured in this fic in the future!)  
> I wrote this as part of the DirkJohn big bang which has been a lot of fun, so thanks to absolute legend Ectobaby for organising it 💕
> 
> Note: I'm british and therefore have never experienced thanksgiving myself. Everything I know I've gotten from watching American television. I need no further research, I find it funnier this way. 
> 
> Really hope you enjoy!  
> You can find me on IG @chibislimer 😽


	2. A night in Utah

A week later, three days before Thanksgiving, Dirk parks his old busted pickup truck outside the address John gave him. He'd tried to emphasise to John the importance of not giving his address to strangers, and had practically bullied him into taking note of what his truck looks like and its licence plate (to give to his friends in case something happens to him). At least he could drive John to Washington with a clear conscience. 

TT: Here.  
EB: Come on up, I'll buzz you in. I'm number 13.  
TT: Why am I coming in?  
EB: To see my apartment!  
EB: you gotta at least see it once to pretend you're familiar with it   
TT: this is just an excuse to get me to carry your shit isn't it?  
TT: or to show me your movie posters  
TT: I'm gonna guess both  
EB: No! This is important pranking research! 

John greets Dirk with a wide smile and hair that looks freshly washed and dried with no attempt at styling. He's wearing yet another ghostbusters shirt, this time featuring slimer rather than the main logo, and Dirk wonders if his wardrobe just goes downhill from there. The apartment is small and cluttered but not too messy, which he takes note of in case any of this comes up in the test. There isn't really any sense of decor other than _'this guy likes a weird assortment of movies'_ which is exactly what he'd anticipated. 

Dirk guesses this guy is a pretty open book. No mysteries to uncover here, so far.

There's one bedroom, and Dirk is thankful the bed is a double and has a plain sapphire-coloured bedspread, nothing covered in ghosts or eighties iconography, because he doesn't think he could handle a guy that painfully single. That is, until Dirk sees the array of Nicolas Cage posters sprawled across the wall. 

"John, what the fuck is that."

"Nic Cage! My main guy." John grins, annoyingly proud of his collection. 

"Well I can tell you now, if I ever considered spending so much as an evening in here, I would not tolerate that."

"Sorry dude! Love me, love the Nic!" 

Dirk turns to his right to see an equally alarming amount of Matthew McConaughey posters. 

"You were right, John. This visit has definitely been beneficial to our scheme. I feel like I know you better already. For example, now I know _why_ you had to hire someone to be your date for Thanksgiving."

"Uh! Shut up! I didn't hire you, I-- well, I didn't do it because I couldn't get a real date!" 

"Yeah, it's a shame Mr Cage wasn't available himself, huh."

"Just you wait, you'll be seeing my childhood bedroom this weekend!" 

"Jesus fucking lord." 

The tour ends and they swiftly make their way to the truck, Dirk making John carry his own luggage. 

The agreed plan had been to utilise the journey there to strategise. To learn enough about one another to pass as a couple. 

John fills Dirk in on the goings-on of his life, mostly confirming the stuff Dirk had already picked up on from their conversations and the quick tour of his apartment. John had moved to Texas for college, chosen as a combination of wanting to get some distance from home and having an online buddy living close by. Said buddy had moved away after graduation and John had just stuck around. He was one of those lucky jackasses who was good at science, had got into and through his studies without difficulty, and found a decent job waiting at the end of it, working in a lab at the same university he graduated from. He'd considered continuing in academia, but apart from that didn't have much of a plan. He lived alone, and didn't really keep in contact with anyone from college. 

"Except Dave, we're buddies for life. I told him _all_ about this prank! He thinks it's the stupidest idea he's ever heard!" 

"Sounds like a smart guy."

"I invited him to come stay with us and watch it go down, but he hasn't replied yet so he's probably busy." John shrugs glumly, then turns to Dirk with an inquiring smile.

"So, what about you, Dirk?"

Dirk keeps his eyes on the road, and gives a noncommittal grunt. As uninteresting as John's life sounded on paper, he wasn't sure _his_ was much better in reality.

"Not sure what to say," He admits, "My room isn't much to boast about. It's above a bar, and I share a kitchen and toilet with the guys that own it."

"A bar? That sounds cool!" 

"It's an open mic kind of place. Shitty bands that can barely play instruments, most of my work there is doing their sound tech coz lord knows _they_ have no clue how it works."

Dirk feels a bit awkward. He likes his work but there's not much to say. "It's shit pay and shittier hours. But I did get to schedule this week off, so that's a plus. Not many bands desperately needing technicians over Thanksgiving. Christmas though, that's a completely different story."

"God, I can imagine!" 

John thinks a little, finger poised on his chin, no doubt searching for the next piece of dirt to dig out of his companion. 

"Why did you go to jail?" He speaks bluntly, then falters, "Wait, is that rude to ask?" 

If anything, Dirk is glad it's been brought up. He can assert his standing on the subject up front.

"Sorry dude, you don't get to unlock that part of my backstory just yet."

"What, how come?" John protests, "What if you're like, a serial killer?" 

"Well I'm _here_ , so I can't be a killer," Dirk points out. Truthfully, he'd be more worried if it wasn't something on John's mind. "I was in twelve months, if that helps. I told you, you can do a background check."

"Oh yeah? with that bullshit name?" John teases, obviously having had no intention of researching him, _"Diederik Strider?"_

"It's Celtic, you fuck." 

"It sounds like an edgy D&D character." 

"Thank you."

Dirk distracts John with details of his work. The different projects he's worked on, experiences with bands he's worked with, stories from late nights at the bar. John switches between captivated listening, and peacefully listening whilst watching the pretty scenery pass by in a blur. In turn he begins to share his own work stories, digging into the projects he's working on when Dirk expresses interest. He recounts the pranks his father had played on him, trained him in, and Dirk anticipates meeting the strange man he's been hired to fool. 

The conversation comes easy, as do the moments of silence. They pick up a supply of burgers and sodas at a roadside truck stop. Then they switch places. Two states later they head westward, chasing the sun as it lowers itself into the horizon. 

"Alright give me my key," Dirk yawns, as John returns from the front desk of the first motel they'd spotted when they entered Utah. He swings the key around his finger, staring at Dirk with a goofy smile while he processes the request asked of him. 

"Oh, there's only one key--did you need your own key? We're only staying here overnight."

"Yeah I--nope, nevermind, there's only one room isn't there?"

"Oh, did you want your own room? But we're still getting to know each other! Plus, I figured it would save us money."

Dirk sighs, more dramatically than intended. "Don't tell me, there was only one bed, too." 

"What? No! It's a twin. Why, would that have been cheaper too? I didn't ask..." 

"--No, no that's fine. We don't need to get _that_ close." 

Thankfully there are in fact two beds in their room. Two lumpy doubles of typical motel quality, but perfectly good for the night. They have to get back on the road first thing if they want to make good time. Dirk is pretty much ready to hit the hay but John seems restless. 

"We've got less than twenty four hours, Dirk. And I still need to know more about _you_."

"I still say I should just make up any bullshit backstory, " Dirk says, arms tucked behind his head, "They don't know anything about me, I might as well." 

"No, I told you! It's a key part of pranking--" 

"Lying, you mean lying," 

"--to keep things believable you have to stay as close to the truth as you can keep, that way you can't be tripped up!" 

John rolls on his side and holds up three fingers confidently. Dirk already knows he's in for a lecture but he does find John's conspiring nature entertaining, endearing even.

"You keep things simple, or you get mixed up in the details!" A finger goes down, "You keep it vague enough that it doesn't seem contrived--it's normal to forget details or to not want to explain things too thoroughly. It seems rehearsed otherwise! And--" he raises the last finger dramatically up in the air, "If you need details you apply real life where applicable! It makes way more sense that you would know your full life story and I would only know some details."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. You sure you weren't really trained as a con man?" 

"Isn't a con basically just a really good prank?" 

"After having met you, I'm really not sure anymore." 

"I think it's more about the intention. It's not like I'm trying to cheat my dad out of money or something, that would just be wrong."

"No, just his dignity, and his trust."

"It's all in good fun, Dirk!" 

"Okay well I think I've had enough of ‘The Art Of Pranking’ for one day."

"This is important, Dirk! And it's not just _our_ prank we have to be wary of either... My dad is the pranking master. He taught me everything I know. He'll waste no time pulling some good ol’ tricks on you too! He'll totally be testing you." 

"Great. Why am I doing this again?" 

"Hey, this was all your idea in the first place, you know!"

"Yeah, but I didn't know I'd be facing the pranking master." He considers this a moment. "Still, it'll be nothing I can't handle, I never back down from a challenge. Plus, it'll be worth it for that sweet sweet Turkey. The greater the challenge, the sweeter the bounty. Ah, Mister Egbert... Yes, you will be a worthy adversary." 

"Ergh, as long as you understand the stakes." John rolls his eyes and flops down onto the bed. "Alright if I turn the light off? " 

"Fine with me." 

Fluorescent lighting from the parking lot means the room isn't all that much darker with the lamp switched off. But it seems like John is finally ready to settle and so Dirk slides his shades off, let's his eyes drift shut, and is already calming his mind with images of gravy and stuffing when John interrupts him by hissing, 

"Hey, Dirk." 

This guy really is dedicated to the Slumber Party feel. Dirk doesn't even open his eyes as he grunts a response. 

"You know, like, when people have sex," 

Dirk already regrets not pretending to be asleep. 

"and, like, it's really obvious they've had sex coz they have bites and hickeys and stuff?" 

The way John asks this strikes Dirk as a genuine question, like he really doesn't have a clue if love bites are just some kind of urban myth. He shuffles in place, freeing his ears in preparation for more conversation.

"I'm familiar with the concept, yes." 

"You are? Coz I was wondering if you can fake those?"

"Yeah... Not really."

"Surely you can? It's just marks on your neck right? You could like… pinch the skin, or something?" 

"You could, but it would just look like you've pinched your skin. I mean, I'm sure some people are into it..."

"Im just thinking, if we turned up with hickeys that would like, make it look like we're _definitely_ having sex, right?" 

"I mean..." It sounds simplistic but Dirk reckons he has a point. He rarely walks away from sex without some marks to show for it. "It won't if they look fake." 

"Yeah but what if we used something like a curling iron? That's what they say in movies."

"Yeah, but John, do we have a curling iron?"

"No. What about a straightening iron, would that work? You got hair straighteners?"

He would look like a real asshole if he said no now, when he was fully intending on using the pair sitting in his luggage the next morning. 

"Look, John. We are not going to burn ourselves for the sake of a prank."

"Aww man, but it's such a good idea!" John whines. He seemed so excited about his genius plan.

"Are you sure there's no other way?"

Dirk stares insistently at the ceiling, "I could just come over there and bite your neck, that would be realistic enough."

He'd definitely meant it as a joke, or maybe as a way to creep him out enough to get him to shut up. He would certainly rather be spending the night dreaming about piles of mashed potato in peace than talking a deranged con-artist out of giving himself first degree burns.

"Oh yeah!" John says, sheets rustling as he starts to sit up.

Wait, what.

Dirk props himself up to face John, the guy's face is clear in the dimly lit room, with bright eyes and a conspiring smile.

"Come on Dirk, bite me! You be Edward, I'll be Bella. Or some vampire reference that doesn't suck. Angel and Spike? Did they bite each other? Anyway, doesn't matter, those are the only vampire things I know. I'll be Angel and you can be Spike coz you're blonde."

"Seriously? The Lost Boys. What We Do In The Shadows. Literally any Dracula movie." 

"Yeah but I don't know their _names_." 

" _Dracula_." 

"Fine! Be Dracula, I don't care. But it's a good idea, it'll look great!" 

"John, are you seriously asking me to give you a hickey?" 

"Yeah?" 

John sits there, cross-legged and expectant, excited to execute the next part of his plan. Dirk sighs heavily and pulls back his sheets to join John on his bed. It's fine, he thinks. They're bound to be doing plenty of other stupid things this weekend, no sense in being a prude now. The mattress squeaks under their combined weight as they awkwardly position themselves, John egging him on enthusiastically like he's a drunk guy impulsively getting his ear pierced to prove how wild he is. 

It's not until his hands are on John, settling tentatively on his arm and shoulder, that he realises how real this is. He's warm under Dirk's touch and as he leans down to hover over John’s neck, Dirk can feel that warmth on his face as well. It's impossible to ignore his scent, sweet and musky from a day of travel, comforting and enticing in a way that makes his stomach flip. Alright Dirk, you can do this. Just a dude sucking on another dude's neck. This is going to be fine. It's going to be hilarious. You're going to seriously laugh about this when his stuffy dad and the rest of his family are shocked at your sexy gay antics. 

The two seconds of nervousness he feels as he gently places his lips on John's neck, applying pressure with his teeth and tongue, is quickly remedied by John making the situation as unsexy as possible. Dirk can feel him squirming and wincing petulantly, grumbles of protest in his throat, and Dirk pauses when John whines, "Owww, that _hurrrrrts_."

"That's kind of the point, dude," Dirk chuckles against the crook of his neck, steadying his grip as a gentle warning before going back in to complete the task. As John starts to wiggle indignantly again, Dirk is tempted to lay a hand flat on his chest and push him against the bed to keep him still... But he reminds himself, sternly that would be taking it too far, and he’d be having way too much fun with it. 

He breaks off with a pop and surveys his work, nodding approvingly at the fat, round mark on John's neck. 

"Ergh, how is that supposed to be sexy? It was just weird. You sure you did it right?" 

"Check it out" Dirk shrugs, and watches John's face change to smug approval once he's scrambled for his phone to admire the job. 

"Wow, nice!" He laughs in mischievous delight, "That's great!" 

"Glad to be of service." Dirk allows himself to feel a bit proud. 

"How did you do it? Tell me so I can try."

Dirk narrows his eyes at John, not expecting the sentiment to be noticed until John looks him right in the eyes and he remembers he forgot his shades on the bedside table. 

It was probably for the best as they were not the safest things to have so close to another guy's face. But it was definitely well-lit enough in here for someone to see his bare face, and it was far too early in the fake relationship for him to feel comfortable with that. John gazes openly at Dirk's face, waiting with a cheery smile for the go ahead to naw on Dirk's neck. Dirk feels his spine prickle traitorously with exhilaration. He lets out a cautious breath,

"Go ahead, I'm not a pussy like you, I can take it."

Again, Egbert spectacularly de-escalates the tension by having no tact whatsoever. He straight up digs his teeth into Dirks throat, that has even _him_ flinching away. 

"You gotta use your lips and mouth. Assuming that'll work with your teeth--" 

"What's wrong with my teeth!?" 

"Nothing, no, this is fine. It'll be clear who did them if you leave marks from your buck teeth." 

"I don't have buck teeth! The orthodontist had me wear braces in middle school..." 

"No yeah, he did a beautiful job. They look great. But you can't like, fix buck teeth altogether. Not unless you file them down or something, so they're still _there--_ " 

"What are you… some kind of teeth expert?" 

His face is still in the crook of Dirk’s neck, breath dancing on his skin. Impatiently, Dirk taps John's side. 

"No, I'm just kind of an expert on most things, in general."

"You're what?" John laughs into Dirk's neck, grabbing at his sides, "What does that even mean..." 

"It means I'm a nerd who reads a lot of Wikipedia articles, can we--?" 

John finishes up his chuckles and carefully plants his lips into position. 

He works slowly and carefully, Dirk's eyes fixated on the bare wall, determined to find this encounter as mundane as possible. 

When John pulls away, the remnants of determination on his face show as he inspects his work. He finds another spot and gets to work again. Dirk maintains his act of ambivalence and lets John continue, if only for the look of pride and enthusiasm on the guy's face as he judges each mark. 

On the fourth or fifth go, John hits a spot on the side of Dirk's throat that makes his stomach do an acrobatic flip off the handle, and he firmly grasps John's sides to push him off, 

"OK we're done" He states firmly, "Congratulations, you've mastered the first level of mad hickey skillz."

"Aww, I thought I was doing good!" 

"You were, dude. A little too good if I'm honest." 

Dirk goes again for the cheap shot of _Gay Panic The Straight Guy_ , but John seems pleasantly unfazed by the notion. Something to file away to analyse later, Dirk decides. He doesn't make a habit of hanging out with straight guys usually, let alone exchanging love bites with them, but he supposes it is possible to assume not all of them are grossed out by mere concept of gay sex.

"Ah, sure I'll stop, if you want," John offers bashfully, surveying his work once more. Dirk watches the fluorescent glow reflect in John's eyes, wide and wandering. He wouldn't say he's hot in an objective or superficial way, but the more he's faced with an intimate view of this guy, the more it dawns on him that he is unfortunately, painfully, his 'type'. Dark, soft, wild waves of hair, and eyes that were deep, deep enough to dive into and get so lost you drown, and so full of vivacity. A charming face always on the brink of splitting into an insufferable, impish grin, one you weren't sure whether to punch or kiss. Dirk knows the type too well. 

"That looks awesome," John says tenderly, ghosting his fingers over the delicate, bruised skin. The attention and praise fuels the exhilaration sparking under Dirk's skin and he soaks it in for his private enjoyment--despite the ridiculous pretenses. He’s maybe, _slightly_ relishing in the idea of having a fake boyfriend, fantasising that their current intimacy was something more tangible, more consequential. 

"Haha, this is going to be great!" 

John beams and suddenly pulls away, leaving Dirk free to return to his bed. He doesn't analyse if he's jumped away too quickly or eagerly, just flops down onto his bed so his face and throat can be well out of sight. He's well beyond ready for sleep. His last words of the night are a promise to see John in the morning, while John breathes "sleep tight!" across the cavern between their twin beds. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, some interesting (??) bits about writing this chapter,  
> I've never travelled across the United States, and I don't even drive, so I have absolutely no comprehension of the process of travelling from Texas to Washington state.  
> I was already pretty far into writing this part when I thought, shit how long does that journey take?? Realising I might have to rewrite and change this whole chapter around a more realistic journey 😭 I looked into it using google maps, cross-country driving forums, and a pretty cool youtube video of a couple driving non-stop from Washington to Texas in 28 hours. I decided if I set John in North Texas (where there's a university) and Dad in southeast Washington, this would make things easier. I also worked out the route, and a half way point with motels for them to stop for the night.  
> But then I thought, oh god what if it would be way easier and quicker to fly? I knew plane tickets would be expensive around thanksgiving, especially so last minute, but so is the price of gas for such a long journey. But it turns out if I stuck with the same locations, both are close to small airports but not national airports. Meaning they'd have to travel to a large city in Texas to get a plane to a large city in Washington, and then travel from that city to the quaint foresty suburb where Dad lives. OR they could travel to and from the smaller airports but change over in *checks flight website* Canada 😂 making the trip way longer and more expensive than necessary (this also gave me ideas for stuff later in the fic). Plus, Dirk would definitely feel safer having his truck with him to head home if he wanted, rather than being stuck in this strangers house in a strange part of the country. So I feel confident driving was definitely the ideal mode of transport for these guys!  
> If there is anything inaccurate or unrealistic please suspend your disbelief, or comment so we can laugh about it


	3. A house in Washington

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you sooo much for all the lovely comments I'm so glad people are enjoying this, coz so am I 🤩 
> 
> Welcome Hot Mr Egbert, old man Jake, boomer Jane, and cool kid Jade
> 
> (added a warning for smoking for this chapter, sorry if that bothers anyone)

"So how long have we been together? What's a reasonable amount of time?"

"Five months?"

"Sure! Where did we meet?" 

"Craigslist. It sticks to the truth. And sounds skeevy as fuck." 

"First date?" 

"Again, the Diner works."

"Ooh, and I can pretend I actually did do that sugar trick!" 

"Yes. That's how you wooed me. Then you took me back to your place and fucked me up against your Nic Cage wall." 

"Wow, that's romance right there!" 

"You were staring at Cage the whole time, but I was cool with it." 

"OK, will you tone it down with the Cage stuff?" 

"Will you?" 

"Haha, no. You got me!" 

Once they enter Washington, John's excited energy starts to shift to anxious. His bouncy taps on the steering wheel are now jittery. He's trying to keep his mind on the task rather than unravelling. 

"So when we get there, there'll be my Uncle Jake, who's technically my dad's uncle, but whatever. My Aunt Jane--she's the one to watch out for, Uncle Jake is kind of a dumbass but Jane is _sharp_. And their daughter, Jade, she's really smart but I don't think she'd call us out. She's cool, you'll like her. We're about the same age and were pretty close growing up. She lives somewhere in California now. Oh and my aunt and uncle are…" John wrinkles his brow, "Separated? I think? They're either still married but not living together, or divorced but still live together." 

John doesn't seem to know much about his family. But, that's not a problem. Dirk is hardly one to judge.

Its late, nearly midnight by Texas time, when they finally reach John's peaceful, quaint, and aggressively suburban home town. It's hardly what Dirk could recognise as a town if you asked him, there's no noise or light, just the glows of the houses, the whistling of the wind, and miles and miles of forest surrounding them.

"Alright dude, we got this." Dirk offers as they reach the front door to John's family home. Dirk is exhausted, hungry, and now freezing, eager to just get the fuck inside. But John stares intensely at the door without touching it. Somehow the prospect of faking a relationship doesn't seem the issue at the front of John's mind now. He's looking for reassurance for something else, and he reaches out to squeeze Dirk's hand. He inhales slowly in and out, eyes glazing over as he stares at the door in front of him. Dirk squeezes back, as he's sure is supposed to be comforting. He hopes it's encouraging.

"They'll have heard the car," John mutters, and snaps himself into focus, slipping from Dirk's grasp to knock on the door. Dirk's hand twitches towards John's arm, when the door is opened. 

"Son." Comes the deep, smooth voice of the man in front of them. He's in a kind of casual day suit, pressed and crisp, handsome face so finely and freshly shaved his jaw looks sharper than his starched collar. He doesn't even give notice to Dirk's existence before grabbing his son for a bear hug. He holds him for enough time for Dirk to catch a whiff of the strong but not overwhelming aroma of aftershave. Sandalwood is the one scent of the bouquet he can put a finger on. It's manly, classy, yet understated. 

Letting go of John, Mr Egbert places his eyes upon Dirk, quickly running his eyes up and down his person. He doesn't stop to interrogate the extra guest, insisting them come inside which Dirk is grateful for because _fuck_ Washington is cold. 

Eager to greet John is the rest of the audience. A short curvaceous woman with a bright red suit and killer eyeliner, middle aged with a power stance that made her own the entire room; an elder gentleman not much taller than her, in khaki shirts, a sweater vest, and an obnoxiously sized moustache; and a young woman around John's age who towered above her parents, and looked like she either worked on a farm or in a vegan cafe. Either way she definitely grew her own organic vegetables.

They gathered in the doorway, Ms Eyeliner taking the charge to address Dirk. 

"You must be Dave!" She insists. 

As common a name it might be, hearing it addressed right to his face sends a shiver up Dirk's spine. His moment of hesitation isn't a problem. He's here to do two things, be an asshole and eat a turkey dinner. 

"Nah." He responds coolly, ignoring the hand offered out to him. He'll be honest, sometimes it was fun to be the jerk. 

"Everyone, this is Dirk!" John speaks up giddily, much louder than necessary, "My boyfriend!" 

He grabs and squeezes Dirk's hand. 

The range of reactions is admittedly comical. The only shocked face is the farmer girl, whose eyes flit wide and expressively between the two boys. Ms Red Pantsuit looks bewildered, if anything. Moustache guy looks like he's heard the most pleasantly mundane information of his life, already looking around for where he put his newspaper. 

Dirk turns to peer at John, whose face is stuck in freeze frame enthusiasm as he revels in his epic ploy beginning to unfold. However, his face slips a little as he looks to his father, with Dirk following his line of sight. Mr Egbert wears an expression Dirk has never personally experienced from a human being in his life--well perhaps one, long ago. John's father beyonds the two of them with unbridled, teary-eyed pride. 

He steps, gently setting a hand on Ms Pantsuit's shoulder to move her aside, and then settles that hand then on Dirk's shoulder. Strong, firm, reassuring, caring.

"Welcome to the family, Dirk." He says profoundly, and pulls Dirk into a huge bear hug. 

Dirk doesn't need to act offended or confused. His natural instinct is to not return the hug, only to stand uncomfortably as it happens.

He does catch John's eye out the corner of his shades. John is still holding a smile for dear life, but his eyes are tense. Knowing no one else will see it, Dirk winks at John. Maybe playfully, maybe reassuringly. Maybe suggestively, at getting up close with his father. Either way, John's face eases up. 

"Boyfriend?" The younger woman siddles up to John to hiss at him. His cousin, or whatever, Dirk recalls. "John, when did this--" 

"You two must be exhausted from your trip. Let us take you up to your room, and I'll prepare some food for you." Mr Egbert lifts all of the luggage they have between them, and leads them to the stairs.

Dirk is about to lose his mind over this guy. The first opportunity of private interaction between him and John, climbing up the stairs behind the superman carrying their things, Dirk makes sure to silently let John know, using only his eyebrows and a head nod, that his dad is fine as hell. John silently stares daggers back at him. 

The room is thematically identical to John's room in Texas. There are bare patches on the wall where John had obviously decided some pieces were impossible to part with and had to migrate to Texas with him. But there were plenty still on display and gathering dust. There were some particularly weird ones here, too. _Mac and me_? _Little Monsters_? _Ghost Dad_? _Ghostbusters 2_? What, had this kid just raided the bargain bin at the poster store and put up any old shit he could find? 

Dirk is about to follow up this line of enquiry when John interrupts his thoughts with a more pressing matter, 

"Dad. Where's Dirk sleeping?" 

There was one bed. A double, but squeezed into a corner that clearly once held a single, pushing all the other furniture awkwardly into each other and making the room feel cramped. The bed, of course, had Ghostbusters sheets.

"He'll sleep with you, of course. You're adults, there's no judgement here."

And that was that. It was perfectly reasonable, no arguments to be made. After all, they were a couple. 

And so, there was only one bed. 

* * *

Mr Egbert dishes up leftovers for the two of them, which surprisingly--or not, from what John had told him--had more than enough for both of them. Even having been microwaved, the meal is the best Dirk has had in recent memory. It's an easy distraction from the conversation as the family gathers around them, until he hears his name, 

"Dirk, hun, are you not going to remove your sunglasses?" Ms Pantsuit-- _Jane_ \--asks a bit too familiarly for his liking. 

"Nah." That can be his new catchphrase. 

"It's a Texas thing," John brushes off, rolling his eyes. 

_That's a strange way to put it_ , Dirk thinks.

"Really? Even inside? And at night?" She laughs.

Dirk shrugs dismissively. He's not taking off his fucking shades, asshole persona or not.

"John, you still working at the University?" the cousin, sat on the other side of John, playfully pokes at his sides. 

"Mm-hm!" 

"Still doing boring research?" 

"Well, yeah Jade, it's _boring_ ," John laughs weakly, "but that's research for you, right?"

"I'm just _saying_ …" Jade sings, conspiringly, throwing him a sly smile, but not actually _saying_ what she's saying. 

Dirk must have accidentally looked interested, because Jade adds, "guess you need to discuss it with your boyfriend, though."

"It seems kind of, what's the word? Nepotism? Nepotismy." 

"You're more than qualified, John!" She insists. "You'd be seriously doing me a favour!" She pats his arm, "Just think about it, okay?" 

"I have been…" John trails off, staring at his plate. 

Jane valiantly picks up the conversation, "Did you two meet at the university?" 

"Craigslist," Dirk responds bluntly. 

John chuckles and sighs like it's a funny anecdote, "I needed a technician to fix some equipment at work, so that's how I found him!" 

"Aren't there any technicians in your department? Or at your school? Why did you hire someone from Craigslist." Jade scoffs, eyebrows raised at him.

"Oh, there wasn't anyone-- I mean they were all busy." An awkward and confused silence falls over the table.

"It was a personal thing." Dirk speaks up. 

The heads quickly turn to him. 

"He didn't want to ask his coworkers coz, well, it was a bit... You know." He takes a bite of his meal. "Sensitive."

"What was it?" Jane gasps in concern, eyes flicking between the two of them. 

"Luckily I'm used to that kind of work. I'm discrete. Cost more but worth it." He takes another bite. "Mr Egbert, this shit is delicious."

"Thank you, Dirk." Egbert replies happily. 

Jade is staring intently at John, mouthing _what the fuck_ as John grins innocently and shovels food into his mouth to mask his oncoming smirk. 

"Anyway, we ended up hooking up. As you do. Not that I go around sleeping with clients, but I couldn't resist his charm."

"Aha, yes," John's Uncle Jake chuckles heartily. "The ol' Harley-Egbert charm, runs in the family." 

"Does it now?" Dirk says smoothly, sending a smirk his way. The old guy seems oblivious to the tension around him, jovially returning a wink Dirk's way, before returning his attention to his mug of tea. His possible-ex wife glares at him, mouth crinkled in disapproval. 

Under the table, Dirk feels a hand squeeze his knee. Looking to his left, he sees John smirking into a raised glass, suppressing his laughter. 

They finish their plates, and Dirk announces he's going for a smoke. John pauses as he's dragged off to clean thier dishes, passing Dirk a confused look. Probably because it's not something he's mentioned so far. It's not something he does alot, just a habit he picked up from working at a lot of bars that he preferred to drinking or drugs. It gave him an excuse to get away from social interaction sometimes. Times like now. 

He'd assumed John's family wouldn't look kindly on him smoking but as Dirk goes to grab his jacket Mr Egbert stands and announces, 

"I'll join you, Dirk." 

Dirk says nothing but allows himself to be led out to the back garden. Sure enough, there's a sheltered porch area, just enough to protect them from the Washington weather, now featuring sweeping winds and a light drizzle. Egbert seats himself on the porch bench, expectantly leaving a spot spare for Dirk to join him. Surely this has been the site of many father-son heart-to-hearts. Dirk pointedly and awkwardly stands a good metre away, looking out into the darkness of the garden.

Dirk struggles with his cheap lighter in the wind, and hears the snap of a heavy metal lid opening and an offering, "May I?" 

Dirk turns to see Mr Egbert with a full on pipe perched in his hand. Like, an old fashioned tobacco pipe. Of course that's what he smokes. And of course he has a proper butane lighter. The guy was class all the way down. 

Dirk hurriedly gets his cheap cigarette lit before he can purposely turn down the gentlemanly offer. He's rough about it, flicking ash onto the likely meticulously mowed lawn. Mr Egbert doesn't say a thing, and lets the night air fill the silence. 

When he speaks again, Dirk's shitty cigarette is already mostly burned out. 

"Have you lived in Texas long, Dirk?" 

Dirk is pretty dedicated to saying as little as possible, unless to say something inappropriate or scathing. It was pretty obvious from his accent that he was a Texan. 

"Born and raised." Dirk drags out his southern drawl. 

"Is it a decent place to live?" 

Dirk grunts and shrugs in response. Honestly, not really. But it's as much of a home as he has. Life isn't going to be any different anywhere else. 

"John has stayed there for six years now. There must be something appealing about it," Egbert takes a gentle, measured draw of his pipe, "I certainly hope so. That he's not just staying there out of convenience." 

"I dunno."

There was no need for him to reply, but he'd been wondering it himself. Not that that was even remotely his business. Dirk tosses his burnt out cigarette and lights up a second one. 

"He ever mention me?" Dirk asks, somewhat spitefully. Obviously he never mentioned a guy that didn't exist in his life before a week ago. 

"He doesn't talk to me about anything, I'm afraid. I can't resent that, not really. Not from an adult. But, he brought you here. So you must be important to him."

Dirk glances back to the porch, Egbert's eyes on him, strong and kind. He doesn't know their eyes have met, but he's trying, he's reaching out with that look.

"Thank you for coming here, Dirk. I know it means a lot to him."

Dirk turns back to the darkness of the garden and finishes his second cigarette with a single inhale. 

* * *

It's not so different from the previous night. John changes into pyjamas that are slightly too short for him, showing flashes of hairy midriff whenever he moves his arms that Dirk refuses to draw his eyes to. His shades are removed now, and he runs his hands over his exhausted eyes as John whispers conspiringly to him. First impressions are good. The family think they're very much gay, and Dirk is very much a dick. All according to plan.

"You know what we could do now?" John grins, an impish grin that Dirk has already learnt to distrust. 

"Sleep." He says in a deadpan, with a hint of hope.

" _Nooo_ we should, uh…" John inches his face closer to Dirk's, apparently relishing in being able to make eye contact right now, "We should _sex_."

Dirk doesn't dare blink or move a muscle on his bare face. John was about to suggest something stupid, and it wasn't going to be _literally_ having sex. 

"We should like," John continues, "make noises… so it sounds like--" 

"I'm going to stop you right there," Dirk lifts a hand to block the slim space between their faces.

"--we shake the bed and make… _sounds_ and stuff, you know like in movies!" 

"God, no. That shit always sounds fake as fuck."

"... I don't really watch romcoms, unless it's got Matthew Mcconaughey, so I can't really think of any right now…"

" _Easy A_. But I'm not encouraging this. It'll just be embarrassing for everyone, me included." 

Dirk thinks about just the night before when the two of them had sucked on each others' necks, momentarily weighing up which event would really be considering the comparatively more 'embarrassing'.

"Come on, it'll be funny!" 

Dirk groans dramatically, "John, have you even _had_ sex…" 

John's face suddenly drops and blooms red, "Of--of course I have!" 

He hadn't meant it literally, _fuck_. 

"It's alright, I don't care if you have or not, I'm just saying--"

"I've had sex! I had a girlfriend."

Dirk can't help himself, raising his eyebrow in question. 

"In high school!" John confirms. 

"So you had sex in high school." 

"Uh-huh!" 

"Lemme guess, prom night, exactly once, maybe twice to see if it got any better and it didn't and she dumped you after graduation." 

"Wh--what? No, it was nothing like that!" 

"It was super awkward though, right?" 

"Shut up! It was… fine! It was normal. Sorry I'm not a sex master like you!"

Dirk smirks again, endeared as hell to John getting flustered. 

"OK, but I'm just _saying_ , your dad is definitely going to know it's fake if you do those fake noises." 

"He won't know!" 

"He's a full ass adult. He definitely will." 

"Nuh-uh!" 

Dirk looks him sincerely in the eyes, "John. Your dad has fucked."

"You don't know that!" John whines. 

"I've _looked_ at him."

"Ew--stop calling my dad hot!"

"Also, y'know, he had _you_."

"Nuh-uh! He's not even my biological dad! So there."

"Oh. Alright." Dirk says flatly. He hopes he sounds casual. It's not a big deal, it's none of his business. John huffs out a breath and clarifies,

"Technically he's my, uh, half uncle or brother twice removed or something but to me he's just my dad. It's always been just us. And he's never had a girlfriend or anything!"

"That you know of." 

"Ergh, just…! Stop talking about my dad and sex! Blegh!" John throws his arms up and flops down on the bed deflated. Dirk grins down at him. He nudges at John's legs to move over and lays down next to him, both of their legs dangling over the edge. Dirk's, comically, don't quite reach the floor.

"So, what about tomorrow?" John continues, "I could fake like, walking funny or--?" 

"Jesus christ," Dirk hisses, shaking his head. "Just stop."

"That was a serious question!" 

"First of all, Im not so irresponsible with fucking. It's not supposed to hurt or leave you sore, not if you know what you're doing."

"Oh. See, these are the sexy sex tips I need to know!" 

"I didn't realise I was signing up to be your Gay Sex 101 teacher. Although, I suppose that applies to all sex. So you can jot that one down." 

"Are you going to tell me how you make it not hurt or get sore?" John asks so earnestly Dirk wants to walk out the room. 

"Don't push it." Dirk warns. "Although that's a tip right there. Also, communication. And lube. Prep is key. Always respect your partner's boundaries." 

"Wow, this is good stuff. OK, next question, do people really like scream during sex and how do you do that?"

"Jesus, you really haven't had any good sex, have you." 

Suddenly, John gets up. Dirk sees that impish grin towering over him as he stands defiantly on the bed. Dirk glares up in horror, "John, I'm fucking begging you."

John starts jumping enthusiastically on the bed, "Oh yeah! Oh Dir--" 

In one swift movement Dirk leaps, grabbing John round the waist and tackling him, shoving a hand over his mouth. He pins him firmly to the bed in a way he kind of hopes is threatening, but John just shakes with hysterical laughter beneath his hands. By the time he's calmed down he's pink in the face and wheezing, smiling dumbly up at Dirk. As quick as he'd jumped on him, Dirk jerks away from him like John's a hot beat and Dirk is on the deck dropping that shit. It's just not the time or place to be pinning boys to beds, no matter how platonic you're sure it is.

John only continues to giggle breathlessly as Dirk shakes his head in stern dudely disappointment. 

* * *

Dirk returns from the bathroom in the only clothes he'd packed that could pass as acceptable sleeping attire, especially when sharing a bed. Sweatpants and a vest seemed like enough. He was sure he wouldn't get cold, despite the Washington autumn chill, not with a big lumbering body next to him. 

Said body is already curled up on his side, still and softly breathing in the way people do when sleeping, so Dirk stays quiet as he settles on the empty side of the bed. John had generously left him a good portion of the duvet, but Dirk grabbed a blanket from the foot of the bed to wrap himself up in instead. It created at least a thin boundary between their bodies, a barrier from any warm skin or cold feet touching his. 

Now alone with his thoughts, Dirk felt the familiar pull in his gut telling him to psycho-analyse the shit out of the man lying next to him. He lingers on the thought that John has been avoiding a man that raised him as his own child, assumedly in the wake of some family tragedy. No wonder the guy could be overbearing, desperate for his son to be happy. 

And Jade, she was offering him a job. Probably a better job than he has now. He doesn't like his job now, it doesn't take the forty-eight hours Dirk's had with him to see that John isn't invested in anything about his life in Texas. He's been offered a job in California, a life there, with his cousin that he used to be close to, not to mention significantly nearer his dad. But he's resisting, something holding him back, something keeping John as far away from his own family as he can help.

No, Dirk reminded himself. It really was none of his business. 


	4. A kitchen in the Egbert house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You've heard of "John has a slime kink".....

John had never slept in a bed with someone before. Maybe he had when he was little, with his dad when he had nightmares or with Jade at sleepovers. But no time that he could remember. 

It turns out, it's actually kind of uncomfortable? Not being able to spread out or move a limb without threatening to hit the person next to you, or disturb them just by turning. John hadn't ever had to consider _how_ he slept before, but apparently he's used to sleeping diagonally like a starfish, and it's difficult to get used to being curled up against a wall in comparison. 

It's not all bad, though. There's the warmth. Even without a single part of him touching Dirk he can feel the heat from his body and it's… Comforting. He can hear his gentle breathing. It's nice. 

He turns to look at Dirk. It's just getting light outside and he can see his features clearly. He looks different, younger--but also older. He can see the bags under his eyes, and scattered freckles across his nose, he can see the long pale eyelashes and soft cheeks and sharp jawline. Creases of age setting into his face despite not even being thirty. 

He reminds him of Dave. He doesn't know why. Maybe it's the weird shades and fiery eyes behind them, or the blond hair and freckles, or maybe it's just because he misses him. He really really misses Dave. His best friend since he was twelve, who he hasn't seen now in months. Who didn't even reply to his messages about thanksgiving. John's eyes start to sting. 

He can't resent that, not really. Dave has a new life in New York. Just like John has a life in Texas.

A life where he goes to work, and then goes home and watches movies and old comedy sketch shows and doesn't see anybody. 

He's glad Dirk's here. Not as some replacement for Dave, but as somebody. Somebody here with him so he's not on his own. And he likes him! They're friends, he thinks. They're definitely friends. And when they return to Texas they can hang out. John can go to the bar where Dirk lives, and Dirk can come to John's place and watch movies, or they could go to an actual movie theatre, where John hasn't gone in so long because he hates the idea of going on his own… 

And they can do whatever Dirk likes doing. What does Dirk like? Whatever it is, John will do it. Even if it's something lame like laser tag or horseback riding. He'll ask him, when he wakes. 

John thinks about dumb ways he can wake Dirk, by holding his nose, or playing obnoxious music in his ear, or… and he drifts back to sleep. 

* * *

They don't get downstairs until after ten, and honestly it's a surprise there's any food left. It turns out Dirk isn't a morning person when he's not dedicated to driving across a whole ass country. He _insists_ on having a shower and takes his sweet time about it. John lies fully clothed and cleaned on his bed, listening to the rush of water, feeling alien in his own childhood room. _No way_ he's going downstairs without Dirk, leaving himself vulnerable to interrogation from his eager family. 

He fiddles around on his phone, checking messages, scrolling aimlessly through different apps… until he ends up at his chat log with Dave. He hovers his thumbs about above the screen, then decides out of pure boredom to chuck him a few messages wishing him a good thanksgiving. He was busy, John reminded himself. He's probably with his family-- disjointed as they may be. He could be working--photography and filming isn't gonna be a business that lulls around the holidays. Kinda like Dirk's. They'd get along, he thinks. 

Dirk isn't a late-morning person either, but he insists he feels better after a shower. After John stubbornly refuses anything besides cereal (like he always does, _come on, Dad_ ) his dad, wordlessly and smiling widely, fries up the last dregs of pancake mix into one giant fluffy pancake for Dirk. He devourers it, making obscene noises of gratitude, making John snicker immaturely. 

John eyes his dad cautiously when his back is turned. At some point his dad will definitely pull him aside to his study for a man-to-man talk on tedious uncomfortable topics like his career, his life plans, managing finances, personal grooming habits, the importance of comedy to a balanced lifestyle. Probably today, possibly for hours. He'll likely interrogate him about his relationship too, though with that part at least John is one step ahead.

His trepidation increases when his aunt joins the kitchen. 

"How did you boys sleep?" She coos. Her motherly habits used to be endearing, nowadays they just feel condescending.

"Oh, fine! We didn't end up getting all that much sleep though," John retorts suggestively, smirking into his cereal bowl. He cuts himself short from elaborating at the risk of triggering a stern lecture from his dad, or a kick under the table from Dirk for overdoing it. His aunt doesn't ask him any more questions. 

* * *

John settles himself on the living room couch with Dirk, making a show of 'casually' putting an arm around Dirk's shoulders. It's harder than it looks on TV, trying to find a suitable position to place his arm. Dirk doesn't help by sitting so tense. 

"What are you doing," Dirk mumbles, but he can tell its not so much a question as a snide comment. John rolls his eyes at him, softly responding, 

"It's called _affection,_ Dirk." 

It gets Dirk to smirk, but not to remotely relax or return the gesture. John tries to position his arm around him comfortably, as awkward as Dirk makes it. 

Thanksgiving is tomorrow, so today there's really nothing for them to do but sit back and let the adults do their outlandish preparations. 

"Shame there aren't any good thanksgiving movies." John sighs, using his free hand to flick through Netflix. 

"Oh, what, you gonna do _Free Birds_ dirty like that? _Paul Blart Mall Cop_? Shame on you." 

"Ew. Yes. What's wrong with you."

"Don't even start, Egbert. _Free Birds_ is decent. Anything with Owen Wilson in is decent."

John tilts his head for a moment, deep in thought. 

"Oh, right! _Wedding Crashers_!" 

"No, not that one."

"Oh, he was in _Armageddon_ , too! Awh man, let's watch _that_."

"Wait," Jade suddenly sits up in her armchair--John almost forgot she was there--dramatically pausing before announcing "What about _Adam Family Values_?"

Dirk snaps in fingers in agreement, echoing, " _Adam Family Values_." 

"What? Is Owen Wilson in that?" 

"No, dumbass! Thanksgiving movie! There's that part with the creepy thanksgiving musical."

"And Wednesday starts a revolution against the privileged assholes playing colonialist pilgrims, and burns down the summer camp." 

"Yeah, whatever," John reluctantly complies, "We should still watch _Armageddon_ later, though."

They get thirty minutes into the movie when Dad and Jane announce they're going to the store for a last minute food run. Nevermind they have enough food in the house to cover every Thanksgiving John's ever lived through. With them leaving, and Jake gone for a walk or a nap or some other old person activity, they have the house to themselves. 

John peers over Dirk's head to Jade, seeing the same conspiratory grin on her face that he's sure he's wearing. He feels a little warm inside, that despite their distance and their age, they still don't need to use words to know what to do now. 

The car barely leaves the driveway and John pauses the movie, the two cousins leaping into action, John practically dragging Dirk by his douchey polo-shirt collar. 

"What the shit--" 

"Dirk. We're going to introduce you to a sacred family tradition!"

* * *

"So, we're gonna bake a cake?"

John and Jade get to work, pulling out all the ingredients, equipment and baking related items they can get their hands on. 

"Yup!"

"And throw it at them."

"Yup!"

"That seems like a lot of effort. And a waste of cake."

"It's not really _effort_ , it's baking a cake. It's literally a piece of cake."

John had made so many cakes and other baked goods in his life the amount was nauseating. Jade knew it all off the back of her hand too.

"It's not like we're making it all from scratch," Jade adds, brandishing cake mix and pastry rolls at Dirk.

"That makes a bit more sense. But will this mean no pie tomorrow. I'm pretty heavily invested in the notion of pie."

"They'll be coming home with enough ingredients to make _twenty_ more pies. You don't need to worry about the pie. And more than likely, this'll just give them an excuse to inevitably go out and get more ingredients."

Jade preps the oven and baking trays, while John starts gathering ingredients to mix. He passes Dirk a pile of pie tins and rolls of pastry.

"Here, pie boy. Line these. Butter the tins first or they won't throw good."

"John. Are we making cream pies?"

"We sure are."

"That we're going to throw at your family."

John rolls his eyes knowing he's going to make a comment about how throwing pies is something lame that clowns do, and clowns are lame. He wouldn't be wrong. But he doesn't understand the significance of this in their family! 

"And cake, too? Like all covered in frosting and cream? Gonna throw that shit around, get all covered in it?" 

"Yep!"

"Maybe slip around in it a little, slapstick style, someone falls on the floor comically and there's mess everywhere."

"That's the idea! Pretty funny, right?"

"Pretty sexy if you ask me."

Both John and his cousin stop in their tracks to stare at him. 

Dirk glares back, an eyebrow poking up above his shades in judgement, "This is some straight up kinky shit. Something out of a _wet and messy_ scene. Not necessarily porn, but fetish play for sure."

Next to him, Jade twists her face into sceptical disgust. John just laughs it off, "OK, Dirk! I dunno what kind of shit you're into."

"You know what kind of shit I'm into, Egbert," Dirk reminds him, "I didn't realise _you_ were into this shit."

"As a prank. That I play with my family." John states flatly.

"Yeah, kinda weird if you ask me."

"Shut up, Dirk. You're making this up. No one gets off on cake. Cake isn't sexy!" 

"Yeah?" Dirk sticks his fingers, somewhat obscenely, into the batter John's been mixing, "You don't think it's a little sexy? The idea of me being covered in cream and icing?" 

He dabs a little on John's nose, then--as John watches, transfixed--he licks off the rest of the batter from his finger in one fluid motion. 

John's stomach does a flip, and then a flop, as a wave of exhilaration and then a shudder of deep dissatisfaction, goes through him. 

There are the facts that John knows are true. Dirk is flirting. He's flirting because Jade is there, and they're a couple according to the lie, and couples flirt and do sexy things like that. He feels excited because of the prank, the build up of trickery before the reveal. He feels disconcerted because he doesn't know how to react to Dirk acting sexy. He feels elated because Dirk is flirting with him, regardless of the situation, regardless of the intention. And he feels disappointed because he knows Dirk _wouldn't_ be doing it if Jade wasn't there. 

He doesn't know how to make sense of these things. 

He's aware he's been staring at Dirk's finger and tongue for longer than is remotely appropriate for at least his budding friendship with Dirk, let alone his compulsive heterosexuality, so he playfully shoves Dirk and laughs,

"Ew, keep Dirk away from the ingredients! He's being gross!" 

The first batch of pie crusts and cake bases are in the oven, and they get busy preparing more. 

"So, Dirk." Jade says, the first words she's spoken directly to him, "Tell me about John." 

Dirk stays quiet, focused on his pie crusts. He smooths the dough and moulds the edges with such care and precision. John doesn't have the heart to remind him these pies don't need to be aesthetically pleasing. He also may be enjoying watching how he works with his hands. 

"Well, Jade. He's twenty-five, grew up in Washington state, works as a--" 

"Smart ass!" Jade quips, "I mean, tell me stuff I don't know. Like... does he snore?" 

Dirk doesn't even take a second to reply, "Yes."

"I do not!" 

"I would know, dude. You know how many nights I've had to lie awake listening to you go at it like a lawn mower."

"Yeah, I do! None! Coz… I don't snore!" John turns to Jade, "Dirk _actually_ snores."

"No way."

"You were snoring literally last night!"

"I was not, you're only saying that now coz I said it." 

John flicks a pinch of cake powder in Dirks face. He laughs as Dirk wipes frantically at his shades. 

"Don't try and distract me with your food fetish, Egbert." 

"You guys are so dumb!" Jade rolls her eyes. But she has a smile on her lips John finds encouraging. 

"So, Jade?" John approaches, "were you surprised to find out that I have a boyfriend?" 

Jade considers for a moment. "No, not really."

" _What_?" 

At his side, Dirk snickers. 

"Well, I was suprised you didn't _tell me_ , but come on… you always had that crush on Nic Cage, and you were _so ademant_ you were 'not a gay', it seemed a bit sus. So, it's not really a big shock."

"What! I--! I had a crush on Liv Tyler! And what about Vriska!" 

"Yeah, so, bisexual?" She shrugs _so_ casually. "Compulsive heterosexuality?"

Dirk is nodding his head approvingly. John can't argue that now, he's got to pretend to be into guys! 

"Bisexual." He says out loud to himself. He adds, trying to suppress his uncertainty with uneasy laughter, "Is that--I've never really heard much about it... I wasn't sure it was a real thing."

"It's real." Jade says assertively. She pointedly adds, "I'm bi."

John stops and stares open mouthed at her, "You _are!_? I didn't know that!" 

"I hadn't mentioned it before but, yeah."

John turns back to his mixing bowl, hoping they don't notice him blushing in embarrassment, "Wow I just had no idea--" 

"And, you know, my dad is too." 

"Uncle Jake!?" John says incredulously, spinning around to Jade so fast the bowl slips out his hand and flings batter up at them and all over the floor. Jade and Dirk snicker in unison, both at his overreaction and the mess he was making. 

"Oh yeah, I could have told you that." Dirk smugly adds. 

"Oh, what are you trying to sleep with every man in my family, now?" John says incredulously. 

"I mean apparently they're all bi, so…"

God, what does that mean. Why is Dirk winking at him. John pushes his hands into his hair, before realising they're covered in batter too. 

"Yeah, babe, work it." Dirk teases in that deadpan drawl of his. John is filled with the exhilaration once again. He should play along with it. Jade's watching. Dirk's encouraging him. God, he wants to wipe that smirk off his face... Or something. 

He grabs a can from the obscene collection of whipped cream products on the counter. He knows Dirk has quick reflexes, John remembers fondly from last night when he'd tackled him, so he acts quick. He pops the cap, no time to shake, so it comes out spitting and frothy but it hits Dirk all the same. His clothes, his hair, his shades, his grin. John is relentless as he douses Dirk. 

"John, you have got to know how sexual this is--" 

"Shut--oh, fuck." The cream falters, and John fumbles with the can and shakes it, while Dirk finds his opportunity. He slides across the floor, Jade jumping as far away from the chaos as she can, as Dirk grabs the dropped batter bowl and hurls the contents at John. John screeches as he's hit, covering his glasses and squirting the can wildly in any direction he can. Jade yelps and scrambles up on the counter, brandishing a spare oven tray as a shield. 

Dirk grabs handfuls of batter still in the bowl and frantically catapults lumps at John, now also blinded and losing his aim. 

Thankfully, as John slips and falls to the kitchen floor, a solid body is there to brace the impact. 

John has Dirk pinned, but he doesn't think Dirk is putting up much of a fight. Through his smeared glasses he grins down at Dirk. The exhilaration is still there, beating through his blood. They're both heaving with laughter and gasps for air. He can feel his breath on his face, and when he nudges the cream covered shades up away from his face, John can see Dirk's eyes bright and wide and staring into his own with intensity. He's asking something, an invitation. John secures his grip on Dirks arms, keeping him down or pulling him close. He's so up close to his lips he can prankly feel his words, 

"Come on, John. You gotta admit. I look pretty good messed up like this, right?" 

He looks ridiculous, is what he looks. But John barely has the spare braincells to think that. Dirk looks good, because he's Dirk. He looks good because he's so close, and beneath him, and has eyes like flames that are looking at _him_. 

And so, John answers him by kissing the shit out of him. 

Jade apparently notices the food war is over and peace has been made, because she cries "Oh for fucks sake, guys! Gross. I'm gonna go change. Just stop making out long enough to get the stuff in the oven when they're done!" 

John doesn't even care, giggling against Dirk's mouth as she steps over them, groaning at the mess, and probably berating the pair of them. Jade thinks they're an insufferable couple, and that means the plan is working. It only spurs him on, chasing the taste of Dirks lips, soaking in the thrill of it. He could do anything if he wanted. He could run his hands through Dirk's hair, run them over his chest, feel his bare skin, bite and suck on his neck like the other night, hold him _so close_ he could feel the heart hammering in his chest. 

They're a couple, they could do that. If Dirk wanted.

He pulls back for breath, and he thinks he's gonna ask, he's gonna say _Do you want me to..._ but Dirk speaks first,

"How great would it be if your dad walked in right now."

John is brought back, just a little, through the haze of lust to see the reality of the situation. 

Yeah that would be pretty funny. 

"That would be hilarious." John confirms.

"Better stay here, making out on this kitchen floor til he returns, and sees us rolling around in his cake mix."

He's joking, of course. It's a joke. They couldn't possibly sit here making out just for a joke.

The oven pings. 


End file.
